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Things I Never Thought I Would Have To Put in Print That Guests Have Done


Please do not hang your wet cloths in the bathroom, turn on the bathroom electric wall heater (to dry your cloths), shut the bathroom door and leave for the day.


Eventually with the spread of smart tech we won’t have to worry about many of these problems of leaving lights on, heaters and ACs on etc. We can just turn them off remotely.


DO NOT use the coffeemaker to strain cork pieces out of your bottle of wine.
They didn’t clean it after that ridiculousness, the wine and cork residue tipped me off. This led me to believe that this has happened before, but guests cleaned the coffeemaker so I was none the wiser.


Damn, I hope so!


1/2 of my guests don’t even have cell service at our place (log cabin, advertised as a spot to unplug)
I can’t wait for more smart tech!


You made me laugh out loud!


Never thought of this one until last week’s colourful guest left - please do not put fake tan on and colour your hair red after having a few drinks and then fall asleep on the white duvet cover. At least I got an expensive bottle of (red!) wine for my pain - the one she was taking home for her husband. It was easy to accept…


Face palm!:roll_eyes:


Please do not try to heat water in the electric kettle… on the stove.


Okay, I’ll bite:

I’d really rather you didn’t try to conduct your sex trade out of my home. But if you do, and I tell you it’s not allowed, don’t yell “You’re not my mother!” and start crying.

Next time you want to steal all my zippered pillow protectors, don’t try to hide it by putting the pillows back inside the pillowcases. You’re gonna pay more for those used ones than you would for brand new.

It’s best not to have sex on the hinged secretary desk if you’d like to avoid crashing on your asses and waking the whole house. But if you do, please follow the last couple’s example, and send me an entire case of high quality wines after you paid for the repair. ;-D

Excuse me, but those 12 containers of yogurt, that large bowl of fruit, and that loaf of bread are there for guests to share at breakfast – not to pack into your cooler for the family picnic.

Explosive diarrhea missed the bowl this time? Well, check out that big ass roll of paper towels and bottle of spray cleaner over there. I’ll bet you could’ve gotten most of it up in about 5 minutes – and then the rest of the guests in the house wouldn’t have hated you all week.

Um… you thought your best option when the water didn’t turn off was to force the faucet handle so hard it broke – not to try turning it the other direction? Hm…

How to cook rice: fill rice cooker bowl with water and rice. Pour that water and rice out of the bowl and into the rice cooker, so that it leaks into the electrical wiring. Plug in rice cooker and turn it on. Complain that rice cooker doesn’t work.

What to do when the left side shower faucet won’t deliver hot water? Call your host at 2 am, rather than trying the other faucet. Of course.

Ouch! You shot yourself in the eye with hand soap from the dispenser nozzle?! Maybe you should call an ambulance and go to the hospital, so they can rinse your eye out with lukewarm water. Then lay in bed for two days, worrying that you might lose your eyesight, and trying to make your host wait on you. Then try to make your host pay for the medical bills. It’s the least a host should do!

Anytime you stay at my apartment, be aware that any lightbulb might contain a camera. So make sure to unscrew all the lightbulbs and put them in a pile in the corner, including the ones in the 10ft high ceiling you somehow reached. Don’t bother to put them back before you leave.

The absolute best way to unload your party supplies in a quiet residential community where the host doesn’t allow parties is to stop two cars in the middle of the street, blocking traffic, and slowly unload them, leaving the car doors open. Even better, forget about the cars once their unloaded until the neighbors complain to your host. Then when she shows up and reminds you of the no parties rule, act completely indignant, and leave her a shitty review.

Wonder what’s behind that locked door? Why suffer such suspense? Just break the door down.

Don’t feel like checking out? Pffftt! Then, don’t! What’s the worst thing that can happen? Oh, yea, Airbnb will threaten to ban you. Oops. Uber, to the rescue.

So what if another guest’s kids come downstairs and find you passed out, drunk, on the sofa, with a few dozen tipped over beer bottles, empty snack bags, and all manner of rubble strewn around you? It’s not like they’ll be traumatized or anything. You, however, might be traumatized when you find your stuff on a bench up the street at the coffeeshop, your Airbnb key somehow missing, and your reservation canceled by Airbnb. Oopsy! I guess you thought I was your codependent relative.

Ah, isn’t this fun?


I’m lost words :frowning::frowning: bloody hell!


Too good! Boy you have had some humdinger guests!


Yes, couple:

  • Please turn off all the lights each time you leave these premises
  • Please gently pull the door until you hear a click


Amyb, yikes - there has to be an easier way to make money!


The clorox wand, toilet cleaner with disposable scrubber, is placed here to clean the toilet. DO NOT urinate into it. There is a drain hole in the bottom…


Guest should avoid bringing assault rifles and firing towards my neighbors home. He’s a former active Marine, a county Sheriff Officer, and is excellent at returning fire!

Guests should use the indoor toilet instead of pissing off the decks. The outdoor security cameras are motion activated and don’t turn off when you whip your willie out.

Guests should avoid walking in the yard while nude. The outdoor security cameras are motion activated and don’t turn off when your clothes are off.

PS: The cameras have infrared night vision to so pissing, shooting, and nude dancing after dark are still captured. Also my neighbor, the former Marine, has a night vision scope and he takes a dim view of these types of shenanigans.



There’s a couple of mentions in this thread of “don’t pee in the bushes beside the house” or “off the deck”. What is it about men wanting their personal buddy to get a little fresh air & exposure to the cool night air?

I wonder if they do that at home or is a way to let it see the world when they travel?

My ex-husband peed off our deck every night. The grass had a BRIGHT green circle at his favorite target area.


Maybe this happens more in listings with little toilets: If all the toilets are occupied, they just piss outside. On the other hand, some men just prefer to piss outside even if they are 20 meter away from an unoccupied toilet, maybe because they don’t have to worry about sprinkling the place. Some hosts should consider installing an outside urinal to accommodate men’s instincts :speak_no_evil: (This is a joke! :rofl:)


Here’s a little sample of a few I could add. I have loads more…hope these give you a smile.

Please don’t dye your hair bright red here during your 1 night stay with me, drip dye all over my white bath mats then try to hide them. I will notice and I will know it was you as you left with bright red hair.

Don’t throw rocks at my rabbits in their cages.

Don’t empty the rubbish from your car and try to hide it in a compartment in my motorbike ( I was standing in my kitchen & watched him do it), then deny you did it. He then told my husband that he looked strong but he was much stronger (& a foot shorter).

Don’t cook noodles in the electric jug.

Don’t force open doors that say “No entry/Private”.

Please don’t message me at 1am to inform me you have a urinary tract infection then ask me to get you antibiotics.

Don’t steal my towels, guidebooks, teaspoons, pillows, fridge magnets, food, Tupperware containers etc etc.

Don’t book to stay on a farm with lots of animals and a dog if your wife is terrified of said animals and sits in the car screaming until dog is locked away.

Don’t let your 2 year old still in nappies wander off down the hill by himself. Then get a fright when it comes screaming back up the hill with our pet pig in hot pursuit because it is quite interested in the contents of 2 year olds nappies.

Don’t leave all the windows and doors open at night with all lights on then complain about bugs inside.

Don’t leave me a 4 star review because you were bitten by sandflies at a local natural attraction. My influence and control only goes so far. Bugs in the natural environment are beyond my control.

Please don’t complain in the review about not knowing when check out time was (because you were 2 hours late checking out, while I waited outside for you & you knew I was pissed off!). It is written on the listing, in the house rules, on your booking confirmation, in the house manual in the hall, on a notice on the fridge and I also sent a message reminding you.

Don’t do your laundry in my bathtub then hang all your wet clothes on my wooden banister.


Don’t take your dog swimming in the pool…

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