Damn, I hope so!
20202020
1/2 of my guests donât even have cell service at our place (log cabin, advertised as a spot to unplug)
I canât wait for more smart tech!
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You made me laugh out loud!
Never thought of this one until last weekâs colourful guest left - please do not put fake tan on and colour your hair red after having a few drinks and then fall asleep on the white duvet cover. At least I got an expensive bottle of (red!) wine for my pain - the one she was taking home for her husband. It was easy to acceptâŚ
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Face palm!
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Please do not try to heat water in the electric kettle⌠on the stove.
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Okay, Iâll bite:
Iâd really rather you didnât try to conduct your sex trade out of my home. But if you do, and I tell you itâs not allowed, donât yell âYouâre not my mother!â and start crying.
Next time you want to steal all my zippered pillow protectors, donât try to hide it by putting the pillows back inside the pillowcases. Youâre gonna pay more for those used ones than you would for brand new.
Itâs best not to have sex on the hinged secretary desk if youâd like to avoid crashing on your asses and waking the whole house. But if you do, please follow the last coupleâs example, and send me an entire case of high quality wines after you paid for the repair. ;-D
Excuse me, but those 12 containers of yogurt, that large bowl of fruit, and that loaf of bread are there for guests to share at breakfast â not to pack into your cooler for the family picnic.
Explosive diarrhea missed the bowl this time? Well, check out that big ass roll of paper towels and bottle of spray cleaner over there. Iâll bet you couldâve gotten most of it up in about 5 minutes â and then the rest of the guests in the house wouldnât have hated you all week.
Um⌠you thought your best option when the water didnât turn off was to force the faucet handle so hard it broke â not to try turning it the other direction? HmâŚ
How to cook rice: fill rice cooker bowl with water and rice. Pour that water and rice out of the bowl and into the rice cooker, so that it leaks into the electrical wiring. Plug in rice cooker and turn it on. Complain that rice cooker doesnât work.
What to do when the left side shower faucet wonât deliver hot water? Call your host at 2 am, rather than trying the other faucet. Of course.
Ouch! You shot yourself in the eye with hand soap from the dispenser nozzle?! Maybe you should call an ambulance and go to the hospital, so they can rinse your eye out with lukewarm water. Then lay in bed for two days, worrying that you might lose your eyesight, and trying to make your host wait on you. Then try to make your host pay for the medical bills. Itâs the least a host should do!
Anytime you stay at my apartment, be aware that any lightbulb might contain a camera. So make sure to unscrew all the lightbulbs and put them in a pile in the corner, including the ones in the 10ft high ceiling you somehow reached. Donât bother to put them back before you leave.
The absolute best way to unload your party supplies in a quiet residential community where the host doesnât allow parties is to stop two cars in the middle of the street, blocking traffic, and slowly unload them, leaving the car doors open. Even better, forget about the cars once their unloaded until the neighbors complain to your host. Then when she shows up and reminds you of the no parties rule, act completely indignant, and leave her a shitty review.
Wonder whatâs behind that locked door? Why suffer such suspense? Just break the door down.
Donât feel like checking out? Pffftt! Then, donât! Whatâs the worst thing that can happen? Oh, yea, Airbnb will threaten to ban you. Oops. Uber, to the rescue.
So what if another guestâs kids come downstairs and find you passed out, drunk, on the sofa, with a few dozen tipped over beer bottles, empty snack bags, and all manner of rubble strewn around you? Itâs not like theyâll be traumatized or anything. You, however, might be traumatized when you find your stuff on a bench up the street at the coffeeshop, your Airbnb key somehow missing, and your reservation canceled by Airbnb. Oopsy! I guess you thought I was your codependent relative.
Ah, isnât this fun?
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Iâm lost words 
bloody hell!
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Too good! Boy you have had some humdinger guests!
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Yes, couple:
- Please turn off all the lights each time you leave these premises
- Please gently pull the door until you hear a click
Amyb, yikes - there has to be an easier way to make money!
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The clorox wand, toilet cleaner with disposable scrubber, is placed here to clean the toilet. DO NOT urinate into it. There is a drain hole in the bottomâŚ
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Guest should avoid bringing assault rifles and firing towards my neighbors home. Heâs a former active Marine, a county Sheriff Officer, and is excellent at returning fire!
Guests should use the indoor toilet instead of pissing off the decks. The outdoor security cameras are motion activated and donât turn off when you whip your willie out.
Guests should avoid walking in the yard while nude. The outdoor security cameras are motion activated and donât turn off when your clothes are off.
PS: The cameras have infrared night vision to so pissing, shooting, and nude dancing after dark are still captured. Also my neighbor, the former Marine, has a night vision scope and he takes a dim view of these types of shenanigans.
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Thereâs a couple of mentions in this thread of âdonât pee in the bushes beside the houseâ or âoff the deckâ. What is it about men wanting their personal buddy to get a little fresh air & exposure to the cool night air?
I wonder if they do that at home or is a way to let it see the world when they travel?
My ex-husband peed off our deck every night. The grass had a BRIGHT green circle at his favorite target area.
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Maybe this happens more in listings with little toilets: If all the toilets are occupied, they just piss outside. On the other hand, some men just prefer to piss outside even if they are 20 meter away from an unoccupied toilet, maybe because they donât have to worry about sprinkling the place. Some hosts should consider installing an outside urinal to accommodate menâs instincts 
(This is a joke! 
)
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Hereâs a little sample of a few I could add. I have loads moreâŚhope these give you a smile.
Please donât dye your hair bright red here during your 1 night stay with me, drip dye all over my white bath mats then try to hide them. I will notice and I will know it was you as you left with bright red hair.
Donât throw rocks at my rabbits in their cages.
Donât empty the rubbish from your car and try to hide it in a compartment in my motorbike ( I was standing in my kitchen & watched him do it), then deny you did it. He then told my husband that he looked strong but he was much stronger (& a foot shorter).
Donât cook noodles in the electric jug.
Donât force open doors that say âNo entry/Privateâ.
Please donât message me at 1am to inform me you have a urinary tract infection then ask me to get you antibiotics.
Donât steal my towels, guidebooks, teaspoons, pillows, fridge magnets, food, Tupperware containers etc etc.
Donât book to stay on a farm with lots of animals and a dog if your wife is terrified of said animals and sits in the car screaming until dog is locked away.
Donât let your 2 year old still in nappies wander off down the hill by himself. Then get a fright when it comes screaming back up the hill with our pet pig in hot pursuit because it is quite interested in the contents of 2 year olds nappies.
Donât leave all the windows and doors open at night with all lights on then complain about bugs inside.
Donât leave me a 4 star review because you were bitten by sandflies at a local natural attraction. My influence and control only goes so far. Bugs in the natural environment are beyond my control.
Please donât complain in the review about not knowing when check out time was (because you were 2 hours late checking out, while I waited outside for you & you knew I was pissed off!). It is written on the listing, in the house rules, on your booking confirmation, in the house manual in the hall, on a notice on the fridge and I also sent a message reminding you.
Donât do your laundry in my bathtub then hang all your wet clothes on my wooden banister.
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Donât take your dog swimming in the poolâŚ
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Things that make you go âhmmmmmmââŚ
Please donât light sparklers inside the house and then run around with them - insurance doesnât cover the burns if there are no flames!!!
Please donât move the furniture - Iâm with you guysâŚI can honestly say Iâve never moved someone elseâs furniture.
Please donât let your children fly their drones to the neighbours house and then hover outside their windowsâŚit will seriously freak them out (and understandably so!)
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Menâs pee is excellent on compost heapsâdirect them there!!
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Please do not simultaneously turn up the thermostat and open a window.
Please do no leave my telescope out in the rain.
Please do not disable the smoke alarms because you canât figure out how to change the battery.
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