HICHUP limited time offer for forum members only

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To celebrate my 5 year anniversary with Airbnb, I’m launching a new service and I’d like to offer it first to my fellow forum members.

Over the last five years I’ve hosted over 600 stays, been a SH 19 straight quarters, and have maintained 98% 5 star ratings. My one lagging category is location for which I have a 4.9. I have 498 reviews with the following breakdown on overall stars: A single one star rating that was given by mistake, one 3 star rating which was earned, 7 four star ratings, 487 5 star ratings. It’s obviously time to monetize this $h!t.

Many people have wondered how I manage this living right next door and boarding dogs too. How can I have a pet friendly listing and still have 5 stars overall for cleanliness? How can someone so clearly obnoxious on the forum get such good ratings?

My new service business, HICHUP, (pronouced “hiccup”) stands for “How can I help you up?” This is how it will work: You will offer me a one night stay per room at no cost. If your home has 10 rooms, I get 10 nights. Two rooms, 2 nights. I assume all visits will be 2 nights minimum (guest room and a bathroom either private or shared). In exchange, I will go over every inch of your Airbnb inside and out and brutally critique it with the honesty that is my hallmark. I will tell you what needs to be cleaned better, what you need to do for maintenance, and cost effective ways to improve your listing that will appeal to all demographics. This offer is for forum members only. Others will have to pay an annual subscription fee of an amount and at a time to be determined at a future date that will keep changing.

All the tips I’ve shared here are available to you now in a personalized, one on one, customized to your needs, form. My proprietary 100 point check list will be your new best friend. Categories for review include

  • Make fun of my headlamp at your peril

  • Cotton, the fabric of our wives

  • How to pretend you care about guests, aka faking empathy

  • I always feel like someone’s watching me: exterior surveillance made simple

  • flogging your blogging (even when you don’t know much)

and a special new category called “How to treat Asians like people” has been added for those who need extra help.

Availability limited and dependent on my existing travel plans.

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Good luck with your new business!

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Also please:

  • What is a duvet?
  • Do I need an electric kettle?

Thank you :rofl:

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We should go into business together. You’re the expert on “whole house” rentals with a European perspective. Wait, @Helsi, is the UK Europe? :wink:

That’s covered (pun intended) in “cotton: the fabric of our wives” Also in that topic are the subtopics: “is linen a good linen?” and "ironing is for suckers. "

Electric kettles are covered in the section titled “does the second b in Airbnb mean I have to provide breakfast?”

For you: “Jargonauts in search of new ways to describe old things.” People who hate the words “curated” and “reach out,” really like that one.

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Oooh yes. :crazy_face:

Also:

‘Carve out’ as in 'I want to carve out space for another bed"

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Ah now you are asking @KKC that is indeed a can of worms :blush:

Much as those with an ‘little islander’ mentality would wish it otherwise, the UK coming out of the EU won’t surgically cut us off from being part of Europe.

Can you also add a category called;

  • Red flags that are so bleeding obvious but hosts still ignore
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Ok, done. Category name: “How red flags lead to the white flag; going for the checkered flag instead”

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Chequered (note spelling in English :slight_smile: ) flag as in the finish line or as in the Monaco red and white ‘variant’ flag? Both seem appropriate.

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Winning at the finish line… (how did I know you’d comment on it? :smile: )

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MODS!!! Someone is coming on the forum JUST to PITCH a PRODUCT!!

/ sarc

OK, I’ve got three rooms, which I want to have qualified for your AirBNB PlusPlusPlus program, aka HICHUP. The problem is, I am too lazy and indifferent to make any changes.

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You’re just angling to come to the “Tiny Tiki Retro Hideaway”, (new moniker aka Tiny Tiki Trailer Zone) Right KKc??

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Dang. And I thought I had cleverly disguised myself as a member of the community.

Seesh. Your place is so gorgeous that I’m certain I won’t find anything to criticize. I’ll probably have to pay you. :wink:

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My personal favourite so far :star_struck::heart_eyes::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue:

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Not too sure about your moniker… looks kinda like hitch aka hook-up… haha
Omg you’ll see!! >>I’ll willingly point out (like I stupidly did to my guests yesterday) + show you lots of uncontrollable dust and dust bunnies. But I do get real ones onto my welcome committee… 1st word to guests: Did you notice the welcome bunny? Who can match that?

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better that the bi%^&&^ alternative

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Or it could be in my native language “southern American uneducated English.” “Hitch up” as in “hitch up my drawers.” (translation: pull up my pants).

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get hitched
20202020

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But Hichup looks like “hitch up” not “get hitched.” Doesn’t it? Or is this day drinking messing with my head?

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I first saw “hiccup” then thought hookup…
No it doesn’t relate to getting hitched that is just a further play on the game, which does not seem to be a part of your services offered, unless you can perform rites while inspecting?

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Only exorcisms. …

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