I have a big room and a small room, and I always say “who’s gonna fight for the big room then?!” like its bloomin’ pantomime season. It doesn’t even really makes sense, but I hear myself saying it every time I open the door to the big room. More Alan Partridge than Basil Fawlty
#lighthearted
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“Which room do you prefer.” (If both are available)
Save yourself the embarrassment by assigning a particular room to a particular guest before they arrive. Then you always say “This is your room, I hope you enjoy your stay. Let me know if you need anything.”
I’m not after coaching, I’m hoping to hear some stories 
(also, the 2 rooms are let to groups of four, would be cheeky monkey to tell them which rooms are whose)
Hello and introduce them to the dog. Or Co Host as we call it on ABB.
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What a cutie-lootie!! [And your nail color isn’t bad either.]
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I have a similar standard spiel…“I’ll give you the 10 cent tour and get out of your hair”… “please no chin-ups on the overhead boiler pipes. Haha”. …not even funny, but I say it every time, and cringe every time I hear myself. I guess I’m just too lazy to come up with something else to say.
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Oh dear, I hate me so much when I say ‘and here’s the original MCM kitchen. It dates from 1949 - it’s even older than I am’. Ha ha ha. (Yuk yuk yuk).
It is older than I am (of course) but it would be lovely if some guest would say ‘my goodness, it’s that is so many years older than you!’
They never do though!
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I say “l’ll leave you to fight over who has which room”, only to find one group doing exactly that and I ended up mediating. One couple, one friend, so the friend gets the smaller room. Simples. They argued over breakfast about about anything and everything, so I gave them an itinerary of places to visit etc. They were too tired to continue arguing by the time they came back. I felt most matronly.
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“This is the kitchen … it’s, er, … a kitchen.” (As they probably could have guessed from the fridge, stove, sink, coffee maker etc.)
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oh god yeah. “And this is the bedroom…” No sher, Shitlock!
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" Meet George the Cat". He looks like a cat, and howls like a cat. Why don’t I ever simply say “meet George”.
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Not a personal greeting faux pas, but my canned message 3 days before arrival starts out, "Dear X, your unique keycode is XXXX . . .
You knew it would happen eventually, I just addressed George, my upcoming guest, as “X” and gave him the secret XXXX keycode.
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This is the bidet attachment. Don’t stand in front of the toilet and turn it on experimentally or you’ll get sprayed in the face. As happened to one guest.
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Fortunately George has a sense of humor, said it made him feel like a spy infiltrating Langley (US CIA headquarters which is nearby). I’ve written “Welcome Agent X” on the whiteboard.
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one more: When I first open the door, they always say “are you Nick?”, and I always reply “yeah! How did you guess?”, then I worry that it seemed passive aggressive/downright sarcastic
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Please don’t put anything other than toilet paper in the toilet and don’t forget to keep the shower curtain inside the shower tray. How I wish I didn’t have to say these things, it makes me feel like such a drudge. Mind you drudge and grudge galore on the times guests have stained the ceiling below with flooding or I have had to call the Saniflo engineer out!
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“Hi. Nice to meet you. You seem to have put on weight compared to your profile pic”
(@Barns, you asked for cringey!)
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@Astaire, Tell me you didn’t say really say that?! That would have been one star from me then … especially if it was true!
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I once blurted out to a newly-arrived guest ‘Oh you’re so pretty! Your profile photo is horrible’. Luckily she paid more attention to the first part of what I’d said rather than the second.
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