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Not in print, but in my mind:
Please do not take a picture of yourself barely wrapped in one of my towels prancing in front of the full length mirror and code it to our home address on Google maps. We run two professional businesses at this address and now we have pictures of prancing, almost naked women affiliated with our businesses.
This only happened once so we chose to not make it a rule but did joke about it for days.
Please do not dispose of dead batteries in the garbage disposal. They will never properly wash down the sink.
I still scratch my head over this one. We have found all sorts of things in the disposal but 2 aa batteries tops the list.
E-gads!! Can you not delete or erase itâŚor perhaps override it with pictures of naked men? âŚoh, sorry, I got carried away with visions of prancing and all.
Sounds like a malicious act to me.
No spray tanning booths permitted on property ( after a wedding )
No spray tan or hair dye in the marble bathroom!!!
Please do not boil your eggs in the kettle, it makes a big surprise for me when I am making my coffee in the morning.
Please do not sit on my pigskin dining chairs in your dripping wet swimming costume.
Please do not iron your clothes directly on my palm wood dining table, or leave a hot iron on the new bedroom carpet. We have an ironing board available for everybody 24/7
Please donât ever ask me where your lost sock is : I have a lost sock request form for this which includes drawing a picture of your sock, value & full description of missing sock & reasons for losing responsibility for your own sock.
This form can take up to 28 days to process.
Please donât wash your dark clothes in bleach, we have plenty of laundry liquid at hand for a better result.
Please donât play frisbee with our pool vacuum, as this can turn out to be be very expensive fun for you.
Please donât pour all freshly boiled water down the sink in front of 4 people waiting behind you for their tea / coffee / noodles because your parents told you all boiled water is dirty,
and that one was without the eggs in it !
Please do not eat your eggs out of your hand on the stairs.
If you are a big tough guy, please donât beat spiders to death in the bedroom corridor after midnight. You will find there is an aerosol can for arachnid disposal in your room which is far less messy.
Lastly, I will add on behalf of my husband :
No naked, or half naked men at the indoor dinner table, put on a T shirt, or even half a T shirt !
Please donât put your feet up on our food chopping / preparation area.
Please donât build a blanket fort, and push all your furniture up against the bedroom door because you believe that the square digital tv aerial is a spy camera.
Please donât sneak your crazy girlfriend in for a loud screaming S & M session after 9pm, or anytime really.
Please do not attempt to help yourself to cash from your hostâs purse, on the pretext of wanting to know which perfume she is wearing, itâs easier to just ask her & far less life threatening.
please note : Most of our AirBnb guests have been wonderful, and I have many of these stories from our home stay guests from different platforms / agencies
I have often come home to find my entire house re arranged. I have no idea why they do it. They push everything to the walls.
I have in my rules now
Please do not use my 700gsm bamboo towels to remove make up or clean up spills or babies. I provide beach towels, so there is no reason to take these bath towels to the beach
Please do not leave used nappies/diapers in the waste paper baskets or bedside drawers. You are welcome to use the wheelie bin outside.
_Please turn the thermostat down when you leave. (Guests regularly leave it at 30 degrees)
Please do not spoke anywhere on the property, that includes the rear patio and front steps.
Please do not allow your wet/dirty dog upstairs on the carpet or beds. I provide doggy towels and a tap on the rear patio to wash off dirty dogs/boots etc
Te sink disposal unit is for food scraps ONLY. If you put anything else down it you will damage it and will have to replace it. (I have replaced 1 time so far)
Oh my⌠I do believe we have a winner here folks!
Your place must be fun 
.
Please refrain from washing your noodles in the bidet.
See youtube for full bidet instructions.
I thought a bidet WAS for washing menâs noodles!
(Oh you panderer, you! You know I like comments like that.) ⌠
You donât let your guests talk?
Baffled, totally baffled.
I suspect âspokeâ is âsmokeâ and ânoodlesâ are âpoodlesâ!
I have this one posted too.
That baffles me almost as much. 
Noodles equals doodles 
The bidet is probably a nice size for a small poodleâŚ
This sort of baffles me even more than noodles. Wouldnât it be more convenient to wash the poodles in the sink (or tub/shower)? Of course the same can be said for noodles⌠Hard to decide which one is more baffling, really.
GPlease close the front door when leaving.
Please do not drape wet laundry on the wooden furniture.
Please do not take the cutlery
My son is sick. Please do not have meetings in German at midnight outside his door.
We would appreciate the occasional use of our open plan kitchen. Please consider others.
Please do not cook or chop vegetables on the expensive book case.
Please do not take cutlery to work
Please leave door open to the kitty litter tray. The cat canât reach the door knob.
No camping in the parking lot. Only registered guests are allowed on premises. (The condo has a 6 guest limit; their 4 friends stayed in their pickup bed camper & came in to use the bathroomsâsigh)
No swimming in the intracoastal waterway. It is a commercial shipping highway for large vessels like barges and small cruise ships (they donât have brakes). Also hungry bull sharks and alligators are common.
Use a filter in the drip coffee maker. A supply of filters is in the pantry.