Reviews of fictional accommodation - not entirely serious

I saw this in today’s “Guardian” and just had to share. These are three Airbnb reviews of Castle Dracula…

“Old-World Charm!: As the host says: “the walls of my castle are broken. The shadows are many, and the wind breathes cold through the broken battlements”, But we were enchanted. Thanks, Count!”

“Bring earplugs!: I was kept awake by the constant howling of wolves. Host was unsympathetic, just said “the children of the night; what music they make!” and crawled out of the window”

“Don’t bother!: My wife was bitten by something in the night and has become an undead monstrosity with wanton desires and an unquenchable thirst for human blood. Also, terrible Wi-Fi”

Just for fun. can anyone think of any more reviews appropriate for fictional houses - Manderly? - Dotheboys Hall - Wuthering Heights - Cold Comfort farm, etc?


Woodshed: There was something nasty in there. Airbnb had to put us up elsewhere - a deconsecrated church. It had lovely architecture.

Ice Castle: Our hostess, Elsa, was remote but the staff were magic. Our best to Olaf!



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Ok, I’ll bite … Host was rather silent and stem but quite handsome but we were made very welcome by demure little housekeeper, Jane, who also looked after the host’s children. She reassured us about possible noise coming from the attic as there may be squirrels up there.

However we decided to leave early as the noise from the attic became quite unbearable (it did NOT sound like squirrels!) and we were dissatisfied with what we considered inadequate fire precautions


Say “No” to Gramma!: We were not expecting so many steps to the shared accommodation on the hill. Host said we could leave some luggage in one of the vacant motel rooms on the property. Our room had a nice view but had a musty smell. Host’s mother did not reply to our cheerful greeting and kept to herself on her rocking chair. The shower curtain was torn and needs replacement.


Quirky small place, shaped like a phone booth, but deceptively large and roomy inside. Host introduced himself as a Doctor, however I don’t think he’s in the medical field. Time flew during our visit, like being transported to another time and place. I believe the host has changed and it’s now managed by a woman. Home enjoys high ratings, and returns season after season.


Hosts T & J are very welcoming at this unique treehouse accommodation. Dress is super casual. No need to bring an alarm clock – T swings by with breakfast every morning and a hearty wake up greeting. Otherwise he doesn’t say much. There is a pet monkey on the premises.


Arrived and house appeared to be in turmoil. The host was dithering about over some major decision. Hosts wife was laundry obsessed, she kept muttering about “damned spots” . The 3 witch cleaning crew were creepy.


But at least you knew your linen was being well-boiled in that cauldron (slightly odd detergent ingredients, of course ,)


This is a scam! We were looking forward to our stay in this old school in Scotland during the summer holidays but when we got there, it doesn’t even exist! We called customer service but they just said we didn’t take the right train as specified in the listing. Avoid!


Last night I dreamed I went to Manderley again. More like a nightmare. Guest bedrooms in the poky East Wing which doesn’t have views of the ocean unlike the spacious one shown in the listing, which “isn’t available” according to the very rude housekeeper. Never saw the hostess. They should just burn it down.


The first and lasting impression was these massive unwelcoming black gates, that would take an army to open. The listing said something about 7 rings, which I assumed was the doorbell camera system… we couldn’t even find one ‘ring’ device, although there was a security light high up on a tower that looked like a big flaming eye. Very unnerving. The grounds were baren, rock strewn and hot!! To top it off, there were open lava pits not even fenced off. No wonder the host prohibited ‘little people’.

Previous reviews mention ‘precious’ which I can only assume is a mis spelling of ‘perilous’

Described in the listing as ‘magical middle earth’. More like ‘notorious end of the world’

Would not recommend. 1 star.


Loved my stay here - the host’s son was friendly and we spoke a lot. The host also seemed nice enough, but she kept ignoring me, as if I weren’t even in the room. What am I - a guest, or a ghost? LOL
Private Feedback : I couldn’t open the door to the basement room - seems to be jammed?


I absolutely love this thread - so creative - keep it going, guys!


We booked a lovely place in Hawaii @konacoconutz and everything was perfect except for the extremely noisy whales. The host needs to provide special earplugs, otherwise we had a whale of a time, highly recommended.