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Last night I got into a fight with my sister because she was hurt that my husband and I didn’t consult the whole family before turning the guest house into a STR. She said: “It’s where we grew up. And now if we move out of town, where we would naturally stay I’m grossed out about thinking of what people have done up there.”
Of course there were a lot of other parts of it. But this is precisely why my husband and I didn’t really want to even buy this house. We’ve been second guessed about painting, about design ideas. Now, in a way that we can actually make this place affordable without me going to work outside the home my sister is “hurt” that we didn’t take everyone’s feelings into play. What do they think would have happened if we hadn’t bought the house and it would have gone to a stranger? Do they get a say on paint colors in every old house? Have they ever stayed in a hotel?
I’m just really mad and I don’t want to talk to any people in the family because then it will blow up even more, even my husband is avoiding asking how I’m feeling about it.
Yes, we bought the house we all grew up in this winter. Spent thousands bringing it to code, spent so much time clearing out what they left behind, got second guessed with every decision, and yet they all want to come use the pool for free, and have me foot the bill for family gatherings.
And it doesn’t matter if we ask for help, but they sure have opinions.
Sorry to sound so whiny. It’s just that this is all that’s been running through my head since yesterday at my niece’s birthday party, and it’s just exhausting having family members second guessing how my husband and I run our home and household. Ugh, why did we agree to buy the family home! It makes me really hold resentment and I’m the bad guy. I just want to love my house and make it affordable.
The funny thing is that while growing up my dad rented out that apartment long-term to people until we kids were old enough to live up there. And it was our brother who trashed the place and didn’t take care of it. And some of the long-term guys too. But eww, I can’t stay up there now thinking of what people paid to do up there on that mattress. Umm, the mattress I pay for and clean and the building I cleaned up and repaired and maintain, etc.
I’m really trying to stop venting, I swear people!
It’s easier to say than to do with close family members, but should it happen again, I would stop any second guessing right away and simply but firmly remind that your are now the owner, it’s your home and your rules.
Hmm giving this some thought, firstly why did you buy it? How many siblings have an emotional attachment to it and have you parents now passed away hence the inheritance /buy out.
(I’m such a sticky beak!)
Obviously, as the owners of the property you have the total say in what happens there. That’s the legal part, anyway. Of course, it’s always hard when people have sentimental attachments to a house.
Tell them that it’s the memories the family made in the house that matter, not the physical building itself. The memories don’t disappear just because different people are staying there and the decor changes.
It’s silly to start thinking about what people are “doing” in the guest suite. She should imagine hotel rooms and how many thousands of people have stayed their before her and all the “things they did.”
Or every time she buys or rents a new place, unless it was a brand new construction, people have lived there before her doing all kinds of “things.”
If your family lived in that house a long time, your parents may have done the same kind of things which led to your sister being born 9 months later.
Sometimes it’s better not to start thinking about those things, or people can make themselves grossed out or worse, crazy.
You could reassure her that the place is thoroughly sanitized and cleaned between guests.
Are there some other issues like jealousy coming into play, though? Did she want to buy the house and wasn’t able to?
Yeah, that’s similar to what I said “Andy and I decided to but the family home against our worries of everyone having an opinion since it’s where we all grew up. But it’s our home and we have to find ways to afford keeping it up. If it wasn’t for renting it out, there’s no way we’d have been able to maintain the pool or afford the utilities this summer.”, and it turned into “why am I getting attacked for my feelings with what you’re doing to where I grew up?”
So sorry for this Sarah. It sounds simple to say, but it really is your house.
I feel you! I felt hurt today when we got slammed from a businessman in a review (I knew that it was coming), but I felt hurt anyway: this is our HOME and he felt the need to comment it unfriendly. When someone comments your dearest place in the world it’s always hard to hear.
Let your sister live her own life and focus on your family and your happiness.
Your sister has chutzpah. She doesn’t realize that it’s irrational to speculate on what would happen if she made a move that she hasn’t even planned yet? I’ve heard that this kind of family intervention is an occupational hazard of buying a family home. You could remind your sister that if you hadn’t bought the home and she needed a place to stay in your town; she’d be in a hotel room or and Airbnb on a mattress that surely had seen some nasty (and when I say nasty, I mean fun) activity. I’m more wicked than you are so if it were me I would tell her that the things I’d done on the mattress would make Wilt Chamberlain blush.
My brother and I just sold the home we grew up in after my dad passed away in March. We were on the same page and though we were sad it was time to move on even though my niece lived there for five years. She was more upset but now she got herself a coop and feels all grown up. I’m sure your sister got her share of the price/inheritance and she no longer has a say in the deal. You don’t want to hurt your sister but you need to tell her you bought the house, not a museum to the family. If she wanted a say in how the house is utilized SHE SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT! Yes I’m shouting! Be strong Sarah your sister needs to move on!
This is a 95 year old “manor style” 3 story house on 2 acres with a guest-house above the garage. My parents bought it 25 years ago.
A few years ago my dad approached us and asked if we’d want to co-own the property with him and he’d build a 3 bedroom ranch on the property. After realizing the fiasco that would be if they passed and the property would be owned my me and my 4 siblings, and all the contracts and hurt feelings, etc, we said no way.
No one else was interested in doing that with them either, no one but me and my baby brother (single and in college at the time) had any interest in the house. My dad has struggle keeping up with this place, and my husband and I are very handy, have rehabbed houses before and we have 4 kids…perfect situation.
Meanwhile, my brother who wanted to buy the house and may buy it from us somewhere down the line when we’re ready to downsize has second guessed our paint choices, etc.
It comes down to it’s my home. I’m keeping the same feel as my parents did where anyone can come and swim, I love to host family gatherings and having all the nieces and nephews together to play. But we already have made different decisions than the rest of the family. I’ve gotten exhausted being second guessed with other decisions, but to have the audacity to voice hurt feelings about decisions I’ve made with the house I bought and scramble and work hard to maintain and afford is ridiculous. What if I hadn’t been willing to buy it and complete strangers bought it? Do I get to have hurt feelings at other houses I grew up in now have a tree cut down or whatever?
It really comes down to the fact that I’m not keeping it limited to people I know or I know are married. She’s mad that I’m willing to profit over unmarried people staying up there. Funny thing is, the whole thing blew up after me talking about how amazing it was to be on a forum with other Air hosts and we had a civil debate regarding the “would you mention your faith in your listing” thread. And then she said that she can’t believe I’m willing to let unmarried people I don’t know rent the place, and I’m so hurt that you didn’t consider our feelings over what you’ve done to our family home, turning it into a hotel…
Wow, your sister sure thinks she has a great deal of say so in other peoples’ lives. I always wonder about religious people who try to make others behave according to the laws of their religion. Whenever people ask me why I’m an atheist; I say. “The settling of the American West, slavery, World War II. I can’t imagine a God who wouldn’t intervene.” The answer I invariably receive is that God gave humans free will. By that logic; religious people who try to control others’ behavior to fit the laws of their religion are second guessing God. Also, it always seems to be about sex. Does your sister get upset if you rent to people who shave their beards, wear mixed fibers, covet their neighbors stuff, etc.?
I was talking to my mom about it who things the whole Air thing is awesome and my dad wishes that he had known about it when they owned the place. Everyone except my sisters think it’s awesome. My sister who got so upset was listening in on my conversation with my mom and then jumped in all hurt. The funniest part is we grew up with one non-family member renting a bedroom in the house for over a year, and 4 other single men renting that apartment long-term and different times over the past 25 years. It was normal for us growing up having people live there.
Which is precisely why it was a natural fit for us to do STR up there and actually have control over the decor and upkeep vs LTRing it. And why my parents think the whole thing is so neat. I’ve really tried to keep what I think is the main thing out (and she even mentioned who knows what went on with some of those guys living up there) was that I’m willing to take money for unmarried people to do who knows what up there in the family home.
That was a really good point - the discussion stays (almost:)) always civil here. There are people in this forum that you would like to meet in person!
And that’s part of what I addressed when it started to blow up. I said “why should I expect people who don’t believe exactly what I believe to live the way I live. I can’t hold them to my standard. I’m not going to request a marriage license or say that certain people can’t stay when they have no basis to live the way I live. I can’t expect non-christians to hold to something that I believe, and when it all comes down to it, sin is sin and is equal no matter what it is. So in reality it doesn’t matter anyway.”
